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Witches' Brew: May 2009

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Twitter Style Breaking News: Baby Kremora and Houndstooth is on the way

Not to be left behind by Erykah Badu, Kimora Simmons has twittered that she is in labor with baby Amistad.

So, Twittering while dilated is the new black?

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Dis Don't Make No Sense....

Ok I ain't neva birth no babies so I can't say what happens to your body when you do (but I have eyes and I'm not blind and I've seen what happens to some of my friends bodies...... just sayin) but this damn Mel B. is confusing as fug!! This is a hot body pre or post baby and if I'm not mistaken she did not look this hot pre babies.... so wow! GO MEL!!! I guess going hard with the diet and exercise does yield results.....


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Friday, May 29, 2009

Courtside Commentary

We Witches don't really care about basketball like that. I cheer for the team with the cutest players who don't have a whole bunch of tats and baby mommas. So while most of "my people" are consumed with the NBA finals, I'm preoccupied with the stars on the sidelines. What the f#k are they thinking while watching hot sweaty menzes run up and down the court?

Tom Cruise

"Yeah, look at me on the jumbotron. My spikey, slightly disheveled hair says 'I'm still relevant'. No one is going to hold Valkyrie against me. These people around me are GLIB!"

Puff & Jay

Jay: "We look like the hot leather Hip-hop dalmations, Rin & Tin in yo area!" 
Diddy: "Yo, I wonder is Yung Joc here?"

Michael Clarke

"Who dis? Green Mile Part Deux? Sign me up! Merry New Year!"

Lil Wayne

"Baby on the way, mad bills to pay! Is that you over there Miss Katie?"

Terri Hatcher

"I can't cheer, my face is too tight."

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Reality TV: When Is Enough, Enough?

I can’t say I’m up on all the reality shows on the boob tube, but I do get in my fair share. I’ve never been a follower of TLC’s Jon & Kate Plus 8, but I know enough about their story to get the gist of the show.

That’s why it saddens me that the breakdown of their marriage is fodder for both the tabloids, and yes, their own show. We’ve even covered Jon’s alleged affair here at the Brew.

Truthfully, I’ve got my own issues to work out, so I’m really not too concerned about being all up in their marriage. But it does bother me that 2 people who loved each other at some point aren’t giving themselves the privacy they need to either mend their family or go their separate ways.

Close to 10 million people watched the show’s season premiere this week, a record for TLC. Jon and Kate Gosselin have reportedly racked up about $6 million from the show so far. Now, are the Gosselins that money hungry that they’d rather keep the cameras rolling while their marriage falls apart?

When is it time to kick the cameras out and bring the marriage counselors in? What’s your call?

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Is Dating Dead?

Remember when boys used to pinch and elbow you in class to show they liked you? That led to them making you check 'yes' or 'no' to profess your love (or, your dislike) for them. If you played your cards right, the next step was something my aunties always referred to as courting. That's some ancient process where the guy rolls out the red carpet for your affection.

I think the art of courting died somewhere circa 1950-ish. These days, you're lucky if you get a Can I come over? text, or a What you doin' tonight? e-mail. And don't hold your breath for him providing you with a meal because he's coming over to your house to eat the food you bought and cooked in your kitchen.

So I ask, what happened to dating? Does anyone go on actual Would you like to go to dinner with me on Friday at 8 at Chez Whitey? dates anymore? Is dating dead or are men just cheap? Or, maybe women are giving the goods away without the need for the dates? Perhaps since courting died, no one really knows HOW to date anymore.

Not to toot my own stuff, but I think I'm well-worthy of being asked out, putting on some nice duds, being driven in your car (on your gas dime) and taken some place decent (it doesn't have to be Le Cirque but it can't be In & Out burger either) for a meal that comes with no strings attached. Unless, of course, a sista wants some after-dinner strings... hey, we all have needs & I don't judge.

In return for these dates, I will provide you with my undivided attention, my witty banter, my blinging smile (no, I don't have diamonds in my teeth) and, perhaps, some of the good softlip when the date is over (the lips on my FACE... get your mind out of the gutter!).

Now, you don't have to take me out three times a week (I do have other things going on). And I'm well aware there's a recession going on. But it would be nice to get a weekly offer to do SOMETHING (dinner, movie, ice skating, concert, museum trip, walk in the park, go karting, kumbaya-singing... something that brings us closer together)! These are all things we women ultimately wind up doing with our girlfriends. Some of my best 'dates' have been with my crew. Damn shame my girls love me better than any man ever has.

Women shouldn't have to beg for a man's time and likewise, we shouldn't have to plan everything either. It wouldn't kill you to shave, put on some real pants and take us out. Man up and take charge... we like that, no matter how independent we are or may seem.

I'm tired of dating myself, dammit!!!

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Thursday, May 28, 2009

Put a Pad on It: Britney Spears

Pop "singer" Britney Spears apparently lost track of time and forgot Auntie Flo was comin' for a visit. During a photo shoot for Elle magazine, the singer produced a homemade "Bloody Mary" all over several expensive dresses. Little birdies on the set also said that the shoot had to be stopped down repeatedly so Spears could take pot-tay breaks. To top it off she bounced wearing $14,000 worth of borrowed gear! It's not the first time Spears has had a wardrobe malfunction. Back when she was shaving her dome and tryin' to meet White Jesus, she let her dogs boo boo on a 6,700 Zac Posen dress and wiped her chicken grease on another expensive frock during a photo shoot. Man, talk about "hood rat stuff". She's cuntry as hell!

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Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Advice: The Modern Man’s Guide To Cheating

This following message sponsored by:


Ahhh The Smell of it!

The Modern Man’s Guide To Cheating

Step 1:

Make sure you, and no one you know, has access to the Internet. There is nothing worse than some asshole blowing up your spot by posting pics on Facebook of you and your side lady love, on your “Boys Weekend”. All is takes is one jerk-off with World Wide Web access to ruin a “happy-ish” home! Now, you’ve got to explain to your wife: “I thought I told you it was ‘Boys with their Girlfriends and not WIVES’ weekend... my bad bad!” This all could have been avoided by living No-Tech Loca!

Step 2.

If living unplugged is not an option, get as many alternate email addresses as your mind can handle. Don’t forget to use different passwords, hell make the passwords so convoluted and obscure even YOU can’t figure them out. Did you know that puzzles and mind benders are proven to ward off Alzheimer’s!? That’s right serve BOTH heads at the same time!

Step 3:

Here’s where being an educated man REALLY pays off. Join your Alma Mater’s alumni web group. There is no shortage of aging single tail there. Think of the possibilities! You’ll be able to see if your old virginal girlfriend learned some new freaktastic moves. Or if you are a former nerd who's ‘made it’ you can holla at that chick you were too Gump-like to step to back in the day, and show her how she missed out. EVERYBODY (but your wife) WINS!

Step 4:

Do not attempt to lose a pound, put down the dumbbell and pick up a hoagie- you hear me!? First of all you are the MUTHAFLIPPIN MAN! Why would you need to tighten up that gut? Secondly, you would never want your significant other, to think you are getting it tight for her or anyone else. DAMN THAT! Enjoy your beer, your boobs AND your babes. Trust me, the women you cheat with and on, will be so damn confused that you could possibly share that puzzle-bod with anyone besides them, they’ll never believe it!

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Benjamin Button Files: Red Alert

What in the FredSanfordblackundereyecirclesnappyheadedhoe ish is this about? Geesh Red Alert, you were one of my hip hop idols. You made me want to be from New York. WTF happened? This can't be your life now -- all sweaty, disheveled and without most of yo teefs? Get a makeover, stat! Why must I make this blog cry?

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Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Father Of The Year?

Meet Desmond Hatchett. This poor lost soul is 29 years old with 21 (yes, count them) 21 CHILDREN by at least 11 women. And you guessed it, he can’t support them all on his minimum wage salary.

In typical “what had happened was” fashion, the Tennessee man says he never meant to father all these babies. He says "it just happened." Uh, yeah, and it just happens that I like cake but I know when to push away from the table. Anywho, Hatchett claims all of the baby-mamas knew about his, well, situation. Take a look…

The kids range in age from newborn to 11. Legally, only 50% of his income may be used for child support. Now, I’m no math wiz, but that means by the time all his pesos are split among 21 children, some of these kids will only get about 2 bucks a month. I feel for you taxpayers in the Volunteer state (note to self: cancel that move to Memphis).

Does this dude have the Magic Stick? What is he telling these women? And shouldn’t his crotch be on fire by now?

I quit life. I have officially seen it all. Bury me face down with my iPod on so I don’t have to see or hear any more nonsense like this in the afterlife.

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Put a ring on it: T.I. & Tiny

Baby Mamas pay attention. Play yo' position for almost a decade and he'll put a ring on it...before he peaces out for prison. T.I. reportedly married his longtime fiance Tameka "Tiny" Cottle in a super secret ceremony in Miami. The perennial couple tied the knot in front of family and close friends. The honeymoon was short lived because T.I. surrendered to authorities to begin serving his 1 year prison bid. I'm mad at the fact that it took him this long to make Tiny an honest woman but at least the brother came correct. Congrats to the couple. I'm sure they got it on and poppin' before T.I. left even though Tiny has always had that "crunchy underwear" look to me. Forgive me White Jesus and let's hope someone doesn't wife Clifford in the clink!

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Relationships: Diving In

I have a friend who has a major crush on this cutie who plans to move away very soon. So she's won't let herself fall for him. When I asked her why she looked at me like I had five heads and answered, "why fall and I'm just going to get my feelings hurt?" To which I replied, "why the frick not?" That night I thought a lot about our conversation and came up with a theory. I think we as women deny ourselves full pleasure. Don't get me wrong. I think women enjoy themselves, I'll even go as far to say we have fun, but we don't give 100% in love anymore. It may be because early in life we are more free to love too hard and too soon. Eventually, that hard lovin' may wear and tear on our hearts causing us to grow cold and immune. Immune to the flutter that used to raise from our bellies, immune to the special things in the beginning like a kiss, a compliment, a look. Our heart doesn't recognize subtleties. We think a slight in schedule is a full fledged assault on us. We wake up numb and go to bed the same way, caught in a routine that at times can be comforting or crazy, depending on the day. My conversation with my friend has prompted me to make sure I dive in head first to everything without reservations. Forget the statistics that tell me that I may never get married, or have children or do whatever it is that I want to do.  I am closing my eyes and jumping off the cliff of life doing the "Stanky Leg" in 3...2...1!


Culture: Save the Community from Art Thuggery!

Support your local Starvin’ Artists at the 10th Annual Artomatic

Art supplies are expensive as hell, trust me- so let’s support our local starving artists, before the downturn in the economy results in gangs of artist sticking up gas stations in order to support their charcoal habits. Besides how embarrassed would you be to be mugged by the emo guy with a sketch book under one arm?
Events showcase creative work including visual art, music, film, performance, poetry + fashion. About 2,000 visual and performing artists are participating in Artomatic this year.
Calendar here, events run through May 29-July 4th. Did I mention that it's FREE...and there's liquor (not free) involved?


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Southeast Sally...Your Meal Ticket is Calling....

Move over New Jersey, here comes Washington, D.C.!

On Tuesday, Bravo announced that it is expanding its popular Real Housewives franchise once again, this time heading to the nation’s capital and seeking women for The Real Housewives of D.C.

They are looking for influential people who rub elbows with the elite...

So Southeast Sally or Northeast Nancy is not on the calling list? I'm just saying. There are some respectable hooker housewives that live in Anacostia and Congress Heights....

What this really means is that these Housewives probably WONT live in DC proper, but instead will hail from our suburban cousins, Chevy Chase, Bethesda and Potomac in Maryland and McLean, Leesburg or Reston and some other far reaching suburb of Virgina. That is where the REAL cash in this area lies...

Prince George's County (cause it's only PG when referring to the hood) Woodmore Residents need not apply! We get enough negro from Ne Ne in Atlanta.

Nonetheless, I'll be watching. And waiting for the moment when they are in Filene's basement in Friendship Heights and I'm stalking the camera behind them..

oooo--shouldn't have given away my secrets

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Monday, May 25, 2009

Things Negroes Like: Tattoo Edition

So, I spent the holiday weekend ‘way down in the country deep’, with the fam, toasting a graduate and cooking out. You know how we Negroes do when it gets hot. As I was sitting and observing my surroundings (as any decent hood journalist does), I started to analyze all the tattoos I saw this weekend, coupled with all the awesomely bad tats in the NBA playoffs. That got me to thinking: what is it with the Negroes and body art?

Run it…

Baby Momma/Daddy Names

You know you will not be with this person past next year. Please don’t get their name scrawled across your back or (worse) on your neck. You do not want to see this person’s face when you look at your child much less inked across your thigh. Avoid the urge my people… just get a t-shirt with their name instead. The Negroes love t-shirts.

Fallen Homies
Why do the Negroes love to get their dead homies inked on their bodies? I mean, I love my girls and all, but trust, I’d just pour a little out for them and remember the good times. I wouldn’t get homegirl’s name on my calf so everyone can ask me for the rest of my life “Who’s Rita? I thought your name was Tiffany?” It’s just not a good look. Just get a R.I.P. sticker and put it on your car. The Negroes love that too. Better yet, take that tat money and donate it to a charity. A novel idea!

Ooh, I might touch a nerve with this one (please don’t strike me White Jesus). You know the Negroes love to honor their children in random ways: putting the light bill in their name, opening a credit card under Lil Johnny’s Social Security Number, you know…hood stuff. We take it even further by putting all (yes, allll) the kids’ names on our bodies. You know your arm is going to run out of space for listing all dem kids anyway. As if the world doesn’t know you’re Lil Peaches’ momma. How ‘bout we start Peaches a college fund, mmmkay?

Bible Verses

And since we’re striking a nerve with White Jesus, let me just say, the Bible verse you have in the ‘tramp stamp’ area does no good as a reminder to you that ‘The Lord is [your] shepherd’ because you cannot even see it back there and we know you’re not reading it backwards in the mirror for inspiration. And while we’re on the topic of biblical things, please stop getting angel wings, praying hands, crosses with roses, Jesus with a crown of thorns, (I can go on and on)… Jesus would rather see you in church!

Chinese Characters

Are you an expert in Mandarin? Not the fruit fool, the language? Do you read from right to left? Can you even use a chopstick? Then why are you trusting a dude with a button-hole in his earlobe to tattoo the word “HOPE” in Chinese across your arm? This dude doesn’t read Mandarin either and that tat really says “5 Dolla Sucky Sucky.” Go down to Chinatown… you’ll see.

I have one request, my people: can we get our tattoos to have some kind of theme please? Especially if you’re going for the clustered or sleeve of tats look. The record company’s logo right next to the baby’s face beside the Chinese characters underneath the Zodiac sign next to your mother’s name with a rose through it above the Bible verse next to the loaded gun and bullet hole is not a good look!


Style Files: Um...I guess?

I stumbled across this picture of Monica, Keyshia Cole and Ciara today and had to blink twice at CiCi. WTF? Are you a cat burglar or something? Is this your interpretation of a Rihanna "you so out-the-box" ensemble? Hood at the top, ladylike at the bottom. Confusing...and country. I'ma need you to resume your steze, stat!

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Hair Files: Halle Berry

Well, well, well what do we have here? I go out of town and return to see Ms. Halle bringin' the fire with her new short do! I was silently praying to White Jesus that she would leave the weave be and muh prayers have been answered (**spoken with southern drawl) This is the Halle we all know and love... the "love-should-have-brough-you-home-make-me-feel-gooooooodddd" Hallee! That's one fly MILF! For more pics check out!

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Cornball Corner: Airport Edition

The Memorial Day holiday is wrapping up and ya girl just got back from a fun filled trip out West. My travel bliss was cut short at the airport because I HATE PEOPLE! So here are a few travel ticks that irk the s%$t out of me:

Slow Rollers
Why must I make this post cry? I hate, hate, hate you cheap ass bitches who get those little rolling' shits because you want to save money and not check your bags. So you drag these little guys around sssslllloowwwwwly so people like me get caught up and twisted around your stinky rolling hamper!

Asses in the aisle
Dude, you can't get off the plane yet, so why are you putting your fanny pack and mom jeans in my face while you're trying to fiddle wit yo s%$t? Sit down, eat your Rice Krispie treat and contemplate the return to your shitty ass existence. When you see people getting off, get up and walk your size 11 corny white tennies off the plane!

Cabin Coughing
Please for the love of White Jesus eat something before your morning flight. How about some fruit with your backed up asses? It clears your palate so you won't have that empty stomach breath when you cough all over the cabin into the recycled air that I'm breathing. Hello, I'll take an order of Swine Flu with a side of Avian, stat!

Late picker uppers
This especially applies to my people with collard green in their DNA. When I say my flight lands at 3:15pm that doesn't mean leave the house at 3:15pm! And please don't try to text me talkin' bout, "girl this traffic is a beast!" No, your man was a beast last night so that's why your ghetto and late. Be truthful and hurry the f$#k up!

Bratty Babies
I don't give a rat's ass that little Tommy is crying because it's his first flight and his ears are locked and loaded. Please keep him seated because if he looks back here one more gin' I'm going flick him on his fivehead. Get some tussin from Cabin Cougher and sedate his little ass before I do! And stop asking the flight attendant for extra unnecessary shit that they don't have. Like extra pacifiers and ointment. This isn't CVS.
Happy Travels Bitches!

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Thursday, May 21, 2009

Culture: 3 Day Weekend, Bitches!

Here's some stuff to do, in between getting black-lung by inhaling charcoal fumes. GO MEAT!

Friday-- Support the Oldies

(Why do I feel like they are on an oldies tour like the Four Tops?) Sounds from the 90's will be in effect with Mint Condition... Guess Toni put your boy back to work. I'm sure tix are still available...imjussayin'.

Ram's Head Tavern

Saturday and Sunday--Drinky Drinky with de Cocos dem...

2009 CARIBBEAN WINE FESTIVAL May 23-24, 2009$15.00 (21 and older)$10.00 (18-20 years old)Under 18 free with adult. Photo I.D. Required for Wine Tastings

Through the weekend:

Get your patriotism on, remember why we get the day off, in the first place!

(Our Hot Prez would approve!)


Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Life or Death: The Case of Daniel Hauser

A judge in Minnesota has issued an arrest warrant for 13-year-old Daniel Hauser and his momma. Daniel suffers from Hodgkin's lymphoma which at this point is curable, but his family objects to chemotherapy. Daniel's family said they tried chemo but didn't like its side effects so they opted for a holistic path based on Native American healing practices. A doctor testified that he saw Daniel right before he went missing and his condition is definitely worsening. Medical ethicists say parents generally have a legal right to make decisions for their children, but there is a limit. Did I mention that Daniel cannot read? Not sure what that has to do with anything but I bet it factors into his state of mind. Is Daniel's mom wrong for taking his life into her own hands? Discuss...


Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Bad Sex Chronicles: Installment #2 (Ignorant Sized Peen)

Ok,let's set the scene, he was FIONE!!! I mean fine like you never seent fine befo! Seems like once we met, we were inseparable. I wanted to be under him all the time and he wanted to be up under me. We refrained from becoming intimate right away because we were committed to getting to know one another better and building a good friendship. How could this go left I'm sure you're wondering.... well let me tell ya....

His ding dong was BIG! now again I'm sure you're thinking "and what's the problem?" There are lots wrong with a flinestone size peen. Just like with a vienna sausage sized peen, you can't do anything with a monster peen besides look at it, take pics of it for facebook and for proof cause you know when you tell your girls that the ninja was packin 13-14 inches they gon be like "this trick stay lying". There are so many problems with a peen of this magnitude, if you are like some ladies *cough* not me, but some ladies that enjoy things that are oral in nature you can't even do that without permanent jaw damage.

So needless to say we simply cuddled, and kissed and talked and I stared. I don't have babies yet and if I woulda allowed that thing to go poking around in me he woulda had my fallopian tubes wrapped around my neck like pearls, so I had to respectfully decline. His ego was through the roof that his ginormous peen sobered me up and if it was any consolation for me, he could NOT kiss worth a damn! Just an awkward transference of loads of saliva and very little tongue. He probably never bothers to perfect his kissing game cause he figures he has that big, ignornat, giant peen and that will make up for any foreplay shortcomings. This is the problem with most men with ample peen, they think big giant peen is all they need to bring to the table (or back alley, or car, or kitchen counter, or parking lot) and that is simply not the case!

I hear he's married these days, wonder how the wife is handling that 'situation', she's certainly a better woman than me or perhaps a 'wider' woman than me........


Barack Obama IS Cliff Huxtable....


IndecisionAn Indecision Exclusive!
Barack Obama Is Cliff Huxtable
Funny Political VideoPolitical GamesJoe Biden Jokes

Things Negroes Like: Employment Edition

Let’s just say that today’s TNL comes from a broken and bruised employee (ok, that’s kinda drastic, but a sista is tiyud!). I was sitting on the train last night (at 9 pm, *eyeroll*), lamenting my lack of life these days, when it hit me, what do we like about work? Is there anything good about work, aside from direct deposit? So that started this mental list… run it:

Lunch Breaks

Negroes come to work (late, I might add), thinking about what’s for lunch. You know you do it. And if you don’t, your cubicle mate sure does. We start talking about lunch options at 10 am like clockwork. A handful of us use these breaks not for lunch, but for shopping, manicures and anything else you should have accomplished on the weekends or after work. Then you get mad when someone calls you out on that 2 hour mani/pedi/facial/stop at Filene’s Basement. The nerve of them!

Workin’ 9-5 (Clean Cut Hours)

The Negroes don’t like punching the clock one minute past 5 pm. And if we do, oh best believe there will be some real overtime pay involved. Otherwise, our eyes are affixed to that second hand, waiting for the clock to strike 5 pm. We’ve got our “sensible” shoes on, our bag packed, our jacket on, our subway token in hand and, poof, we’re out the door on time. Don’t be asking us to work no 9-6 or 11-7. We come in at 9-ish and we leave at 5. Period.

Desk-accessible TVs
We must know what’s going on with The Young & The Restless...and if we can make our 'stories' coincide with our numerous breaks, even better. Toss a TV in the lunch break room and Negroes will never leave.

Smoke Breaks

Cue up the Newports! We must carve out several 15 minute breaks to go outside in the freezing cold (without coats, I might add) to take our puffs. And don’t be the one to complain that the smokers are getting more breaks than everyone else or you’ll incur the wrath.

Casual Fridays

An excuse to slather on anything in your closet that tips the fine line of classy to assy!

Office Catering

The Negroes line up for daily bagels and lunchtime sandwiches if they’re on the bosses dime. But don’t try to con us into a pot luck. We don’t know if you washed your hands before you made those deviled eggs. And ya’ll know we don’t trust everyone's potato salad-making skills.

Oh, excuse me, I'm late for my manicure!


Bangin’ In Little Rock?

T.I.’s days of freedom are winding down. The mini-rapper will serve his prison sentence in Arkansas beginning May 26th. T.I. will get credit for 305 days of house arrest that he’s already served. So, technically, he’ll spend just 2 months in the federal prison. Not enough time to really get his “swole” on in the weight yard.

T.I. will likely get a cell mate (they have bunk beds at this prison). And once young Clifford Harris gets out of the pokey, he’ll be on probation for 3 years. He also has to pay a $100,000 fine.

In case you forgot (but how could you?), T.I. was arrested after trying to buy unregistered guns from the feds back in 2007.

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Unsung Returns

I don’t know about you but the best thing on TV this season (aside from Ray J…yeah, I said it) was TV One’s Unsung. The show focuses on “unsung” and fallen stars in Black music. Unsung is gearing up for a new round of profiles.

Starting next month, TV One will profile Supremes founding member Florence Ballard, Minnie Riperton, Shalamar and Melba Moore.

I’m getting my popcorn ready for Howard Hewitt's silky mullet right now!

The new season of Unsung will kick-off Black Music Month with the untold story of Minnie Riperton. The new season premieres June 7th at 8 pm (ET).

Four more episodes of Unsung will air in November. Take that BET!

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The Economy Made Me Do It

We told you about Tyra’s firing of fellow supermodel Paulina Porizkova, well it turns out you can blame that firing on the e-e-e-economy.

The show's executive producers have released a statement saying Porizkova was let go because of "the current state of the economy [which] has forced shows to make major budget cuts industry wide." The show’s producers say they enjoyed working with Paulina though.

Hmmm. First Kimora, then Janice, then Twiggy, then Paulina…lest we forget Nole too? We don’t believe you Tyra, you need more people.

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Monday, May 18, 2009

Hair Files: Thumbs up or down?

Your girl Keyshia Cole is rocking a new do. I kind of like her with shorter hair. So, what's the verdict?

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