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Witches' Brew: November 2009

Monday, November 30, 2009

Another One Bites The Dust: Giant Mag Folds

Radio One’s Giant Magazine is folding…sorta.  Giant will stop printing and become a web-only publication.  Radio One bought the magazine two years ago for just $270,000.  The mag is aimed at 20-somethings (does this mean they don’t read or they’ve cut reading from the budget?  Justaskin…).  Anyway, the mag covers entertainment, celebs and fashion and has had (in my humble opinion) some of the flyest, most thinking-out-of-the-box covers.   

You’ll be able to find Giant online at, a new Web site as part of its Interactive One division.  No word though on who’ll get the ax over at Giant.  

Among their web ventures, Radio One also owns BlackPlanet (yo….that still exists?) and NewsOne. 

Damn… times are tough!

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Citizens of NOLA, Suck It! (Politically Incorrect Content Ahead)

Straight from the Ungrateful Summabitch Files, there are citizens of New Orleans that are complaining about the Brad Pitt's Make It Right, eco- houses. Lemme get this ish straight. You lost your homes, neighborhoods, and family members. Shit, was UNDER WATER-- Aqua Man Stylee, Son!! Someone came in and said 'hey not only are we gonna help you rebuild what you lost- but we're going to do it in such a way that we aren't ruining the earth further. And should this happen again, your home should be secure." We will engineer a home that will RISE WITH YOUR MOTHERFLIPPIN TIDES AND FLOAT, SUCKA- FLOAT!!! Because God forbid the government - replace your levies.... (Ok here's an idea. You guys go down to home depot and jerry rig them up with some planks and duct tape, yourselves. Since you have all the answers!- I gave you that one for free!) Now your ass is up in arms, because according to you these homes 'don't reflect the history of New Orleans' Mind you, these houses are NOT in a historical district. So, which history are you trying to re-create? The one where your house was UNDERWATER, because it was not structurally correct for your terrain?! You got your FEMA check and got brand effing new, didn't you, Son?

Tell you what, why don't you spend less time busting caps in the ass of Bayou Classic tourists; call an all hands on deck, and come up with a way to build the neighborhoods of your dreams. You don't like what people are giving you? Find a way to make what you want out of your homes, YOURSELVES.

Pissed Brewchie, Out!

Check the story out: NY Times

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With Thanksgiving done, and the media schmucks all in a tizzy about Black Friday, Cyber Monday and Eff It Just Buy It Please Wednesday,  I am already over the Holiday Season.  And it is with dread that I ponder the most hated office Holiday tradition, around.  Call me a Scrooge... but there is one thing that skeeves me out about the Holiday season, and that's the blasted Office Potluck.  At once such event, I saw someone from one of our satellite offices enter, from the garage...still with keys and hand and winter coat on, stick the other dirty hand in a baggie of shredded lettuce-- and sprinkle her e-coli leaves all over her 15 layer Artery Clogging Supreme.

My gag-reflex worked overtime.

Call me a snob, but I do not want to chow down on Pet Hair Surprise from the lady down in accounting that smells like a used urinal cake.  In the Merriest way possible, I  want you to shove your 17 layer Taco meat surprise, your Canned Jalapeño Jumble and your 176 Bean and Sour Cream Casserole right up your Yuletide hole!

And a Ho Ho Ho to ya, bitches!!

Cornball Corner: Tiger Woods

Tiger "Cablanasian" Woods has released a statement on his website regarding his fender bender following a domestic dispute with his whootie wife.

"As you all know, I had a single-car accident earlier this week, and sustained some injuries. I have some cuts, bruising and right now I'm pretty sore.

This situation is my fault, and it's obviously embarrassing to my family and me. I'm human and I'm not perfect. I will certainly make sure this doesn't happen again.
This is a private matter and I want to keep it that way. Although I understand there is curiosity, the many false, unfounded and malicious rumors that are currently circulating about my family and me are irresponsible."
Whatevs....his spin machine is in full control. In case you've been living under a rock here's a breakdown of Tiger's (@tigerwoods) shitty week:
He got caught cheating
He sped off in the middle of the night, but clearly he is a better golfer than driver, so his kissed a tree with his Escalade
His wife either was either trying to save him or finish off the job by breaking his windows with a golf club
He and his wife both refuse to talk to police
His alleged mistress has denied any involvement
A "source" who claims he talked to Tiger on Friday following the accident claims Tiger said he has to hitch a ride to Zales to buy a "Kobe Special". When the friend inquired about what that was, Tiger alleged responded a "house on a finger". Then he reportedly told the friend that his wife got REAL GHETTO before the accident. See, I knew there was a reason I never liked this Golfing Gump. Clearly Tiger has problems identifying with the black side of his heritage. He's proven that time and time again and the closest he's come to a black chick was the wait staff at his country club.  So when your wife who clearly is very upset  at your infidelity "pops off" equate that with someone urban or black? The world may be in awe with your well spoken non-threatning ass but you are and always will be a cornball! So go sit in the cornball corner AFTER you talk to the cops. I bet if I wrapped my car into a tree I would have some 'splaing to do.

From the "We Off That" Files: Pour out a little likka

We are winding down 2009. A year of change and hope. But much of our new found clout can easily be canceled out by some of your colored cousins who continue to act like coons in the clubs. Case in point, Trey Songz (@SongzYuuup). Now, I know this young brother is swexy and all...but Imma need you Trey not to follow Jamie Foxx down his yellow brick road of cornball acts of kindness. Pouring Goose down a willing "lady's" throat is never a good look. To put it simple, it's corny. Kind of like wearing sunglasses in the club corny (unless you have a wonk eye, then we'll give you a pass) Somewhere this chick's three kids are at their grandmouva's house downing red kool-aid from Big Lots baby bottles and learning how to curse right. If this shining example of womenhood can't understand that aspiring to have a "celebrity" dose your face and do with 90 proof is not the move then okay...but you don't have to feed into it. We Witches like to cut up in the club from time to time and we get it, you're young, but this is just corny boo. Cease and desist, stat! Head to Necole Bitchie for more pictures from Trey's 25th birfday partay!

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Sunday, November 29, 2009

Brew Beauty: Robin Roberts

Journalist, cancer survivor and all-around fab chick Robin Roberts is our eighth Brew Beauty of the Week! Robin has served as co-anchor of ABC's "Good Morning America" since 2005. She's covered everything from Pope John Paul II to the Katrina aftermath to her latest interviews with Janet Jackson and Chris Brown. She's a welcome face and a warm smile every morning, even when sometimes the news is not so pleasant.

On the personal side, Robin told the world she was battling breast cancer two years ago. Rather than packing up and going home, she waged her war publicly, undergoing surgery and chemo and ultimately shaving her head. Robin wrapped up her chemo and radiation sessions last year and says she's healthier than ever. She's looking fantastic these days (loving the short cut too, BTW) and she's landing some of the most coveted interviews.

Here's a look at Robin through the years...

Head to our Facebook page for our Brew Beauty gallery to see more of Robin. And while you're there, become a fan and then follow our blog!  Drop us a line if there's someone you'd like to see as our next Beauty of the Week!

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Saturday, November 28, 2009

Brew Fashion: Eugenia Kim For Target + Chelsea Boots

Target keeps hitting us with top-of-the-line affordable prices.  The discount retailer announced plans to launch a hat collection with Eugenia Kim.  She's known for putting Jennifer Lopez in those fabulously floppy hats back when Jenny was going through her JLo phase.

Kim's new collection drops at Target on April 18th.  Also, coming to Tarjay on April 18th: a footwear line by Cynthia Vincent.  Now, you don't have to wait 'til April to treat yourself to something nice. Taste The Brew for a look at the Chelsea boot.

Read more »

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Friday, November 27, 2009

Brew Music: Common & John Legend - "Strange Fruit"

Check out this unreleased track from Common featuring John Legend. It's called "Strange Fruit" and was produced by Devo Springsteen (though many have wrongly credited it to Kanye immaletyoufinish West).  The song was supposed to be on Common's "Finding Forever" album but it was scrapped and Cassidy wound up with the beat.

Hot fire! You can download it here...

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Chris Brown Gets His Chance

Breezy will get his shot at Rihanna (no pun). He'll tell his side of the February assault story on ABC's "20/20" on December 11th. The in-depth interview (done by Robin Roberts) was taped last weekend and portions of it may appear on "Good Morning America," but, unlike Rihanna, he won't get to perform for the fans on GMA. However, much like Rihanna, the interview seems to coincide with the release of his upcoming album, "Graffiti" which drops on December 8th.

So, will you watch?

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Breaking Brew: Tiger's Wife Pops Off Son... (allegedly)

I knew when I heard the news of Tiger Woods' middle of the night crash into a hydrant and a tree that somebody had some splainin' to do.  I mean, this is YOUR house.  The house you drive to and from every day.  How do you just MISS the curb and wind up smashing your Escalade into a fire hydrant and your neighbor's tree?  Mmmm hmmmm.  (*sucks teef*)

Well, according to TMZ, the accident happened right after Tiger and his wife Elin Nordegren argued. The news came on the same day that (our friend in our heads) Michael over at Dlisted reported that TigerWoooo was having an affair. Mmmm hmmm (*sucks teef*)

Anywho, after the accident, Elin reportedly smashed out the back window of Tiger's truck with a golf club to help get him out of the car. Uh, yeah, we're buying that. Police found Tiger laying in the street with his wife over him, (finger quotes) caring for him. He had cuts on his lips and blood in his mouth.

Florida law enforcement officials are calling it "a domestic issue." Cops tried to question Tiger about the incident this afternoon but were turned away by his wife because he was asleep.

Methinks the golden boy has just jumped head first into a scandal.

Stay tuned...

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Brew Music News: Guess Who's Bizzack?

This soulful songstress is making a triumphant return to the charts after a much too long hiatus.

Taste The Brew to find out who...

Read more »

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Thursday, November 26, 2009

Brew News: Shaq Pays For Shaniya Davis' Funeral

Shaquille O'Neal is a good dude.  Sure, he may get caught up in some groupie-infidelity-is he or isn't he getting a divorce rumors from time to time, but that man's heart is full of gold.

Shaq footed the bill for the funeral of little Shaniya Davis.  She's the precious little 5 year old North Carolina girl who was kidnapped, raped, murdered and left on the side of the highway like roadkill after being sold into sex slavery, allegedly by her mother.

Shaq said he "wanted her to have a funeral that would be as beautiful as she was."  He was touched by the girl's story after learning of it on HLN's "Nancy Grace."  Shaq is no stranger to good deeds.  He's also a law enforcement volunteer in the off-season and much of his work has been with domestic violence and child abuse cases.

It's estimated the funeral cost about $4,500.   Shaniya's father had set up a trust fund to help raise money to pay for it but now, that money will go to other charities working to help abused and neglected children.


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Happy Thanksgiving Day

It's the holiday where you give thanks to White Jesus for allowing you to live another year just so you can hitch a ride to your favorite aunties house to shove cheese, meat, greens and other shyt down your pie holes (except that casserole from Cousin Effie - you've been to her house before and knows how she gets down!). And after you stuff yourselves stupid you wake up at the crack of dawn the next day to go and spend money on more shyt you don't really need. Whatevs, do you, be great and enjoy the day! Love, the Witches.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Reason # 2,978,510 Why Facebook is De Debbil

A broad can't even be a little depressed without the Facebook snitches droppin' dime.

Nathalie Blanchard works for IBM, but she's been on long term sick leave because she's got a case of the sads.  The 29 year old has been on leave from her job in Quebec for the last year and a half after being diagnosed with depression.  She was getting a monthly check from her insurance company until they cut a bish off!  When Blanchard called to make the typical "uh, where the eff is my check" rant, the insurer said she was available to work because of ... (*cue debbil music*) Facebook!

Blanchard's insurance agent had clicked on the woman's Facebook page and spotted pictures of her getting her rocks off at a Chippendales show and on vacation.  The insurance company used that as proof that she's over her depression and thus, no longer needed them to cut da check!

Ain't that a mofo!

Blanchard said she told the company she was taking a trip and that her doctor told her she needed to get out the house.  So she did.  

See, that's why ya'll need to block the hell outta your Facebook pages.

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Diddy's Train: Next Stop, HSN

Diddy is taking a break from ending Making The Band music careers mogulin' to hawk his smell goods on HSN.  The Didster will sell his fragrances I Am King and Unforgivable on HSN this Monday, November 30th from 11 pm - 1 am (ET).  Uh, is he selling smell-a-vision too?  I wouldn't trust something I can't smell.  You might wind up with bottled onions.  

Anyway, it's all part of the network's effort to prove you can sell fragrance on TV through a unique "talk show" format that will allow Diddy to sell the product and bring "who he is to life."  The HSN people say he'll be "sharing his beliefs behind his fragrances, why he developed them and what are the reference points.”  I can answer all three already: money. money. and money.

This dude's hustle game is fierce.

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Brew Beauty: Sandra Bullock Gets Chola Makeover

I can't with this one.  Baby Smiley, one of the YouTube beauty do-it-yourself'ers, was a recent guest on George Lopez's show to demonstrate how to get the perfect chola look.  She must be tight with Jermaine Jackson cuz I thought he owned all the Sharpies in LA.  Anywho, she returned to Lopez's show to give Sandra Bullock the chola makeover.

If you're brave enough to try the look... here's how!

I am sooooo rocking this to work on Monday.

Spotted @ Dlisted

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Parents: Adam Lambert Is NOT Your Babysitter!

ABC's Good Morning America passed on Adam Lambert but that didn't stop CBS from scooping up the crumbs.  Lambert appeared on The Early Show this morning to chat it up about his bump-n-grind fest at Sunday's "American Music Awards."  C'mon son.  You knew this would get you some free publicity. The trick worked!

UPDATE: Here's the performance.

Hmmm... you forgot the cameras were on?  We don't believe you, Adam, you need more people.

But, the bigger issue is... does the Lambert backlash count as discrimination?  The Britney-Madonna-XTina kiss was replayed over and over and their careers didn't suffer.  Is the Lambert backlash veiled homophobia?  What's your call?

By the way, here's the video for "For Your Entertainment"... since none of us could actually pay attention to the song on the AMAs!

Photo: Djansezian/Getty

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Brew Tube: Whitty Hutton on DWTS

Here's a look at Whitney Houston's performance on Dancing With The Stars last night.  I gave up watching this show way back when Lil Kim got booted so I never know who's dancing or who's sangin'... or in this case, Kirk Franklin'ing the verses.  Hey, I'm just sayin.  She looked good though! 

Can I ask... why Whitney's chin be sweatin' so much?  Ok, maybe I'd better not.

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Brew Rant: Put Some Pants On!

That's it.  I have had it with these no-pants wearing chicks.  Ok, so it's one thing if you're a "performer" (emphasis on my finger quotes) and you're going for a "look" (the finger quotes just don't stop) on stage... but c'mon son, NO PANTS TO DINNER? 

Nicole Scherzinger's back up dancer Pussycat Doll Melody Thornton decided it would be a good idea to rock a leotard and no pants to dinner at Katsuya in LA Sunday night. She looks great...for a Gaga performance.  But dinner?  I am not trying to eat my sushi whilst looking at exposed fish.  Nuh uh.  Isn't that a health violation or something?

Photo: Imagevenue

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Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Mya's Loss Is A Win-Win

Donny Osmond and his Utah steeze were no match for Mya.  Donny took home the tacky trophy on ABC's Dancing With The Stars tonight.  

Mya and her partner Dmitry Chaplin had a consistent run throughout the show, but you can't eff with those Osmonds... they're an army.

I won't lie.  Girlfriend did get robbed.  But who wants that ugly trophy anyway?  And let's be honest, this is a win-win for Mya.  She'd better put out a new album or something in 3...2..., cuz, let me ask you, who was checking for Mya before this show?   

Don't worry... I'll wait.........© 


Katt Williams

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Presidential Brew: Obama's State Dinner

The hottest ticket in town (sadly, I was not on the guest list) was tonight's first state dinner, hosted by the President and First Lady.  The dinner was in honor of India's Prime Minister Manmohan Singh and his wife.  And never the fashion disappointment, Lady O rocked a gown by Indian-American designer Naeem Khan. I love how she supports fashion.

Khan actually made a few gowns for the dinner but the First Lady's chose this strapless one.  It has a hand-cut sterling silver sequin pattern over silk chiffon.  The dress was completely handmade.  It took three weeks and 40 people to make it!

Work it, Michelle!  And is she oiled up too?  Fierce, honay!


They look like the perfect wedding cake topper!  Don't those two look like they have great sex though?  

Hey, I'm just sayin'...

Photos: Nicolas Kamm / Getty Images

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Cornball Corner: So Fresh and So Clean?

Cheese and arse is never a good thing paired together especially on your red Martha Stewart for Kmart sheet set. What in the thuglovinstripperhell is going on right chere? Why this little bird-chested fella thought it was a good idea to pose with his favorite low budget snack is beyond me but for this my friend you have found yourself in the Brew's Cornball Corner. Get me Derek Blanks on the phone, stat!


Brew Music News: Discount Rihanna?

Rihanna's "Rated R" is in the bargain bin at Amazon MP3 already, despite only being released yesterday.  It's selling there for just $3.99, unlike other releases which usually go for $9.99 or more.  That's led some to wonder if Def Jam is worried about this album tanking?  Or, is the cheaper price just a solid marketing strategy to help her sell more records during a tough week?  After all, her record is pitted against releases from Adam Lambert, Lady Gaga and Susan Boyle this week.

So, what's your call?  Smart move or just desperate? 

By the way, here's a clip from her Good Morning America performance this morning.

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The Fall Heard 'Round The World...

...or perhaps not.

ABC executives opted to remove Jennifer Lopez's fall from the American Music Awards' west coast broadcast out of respect. When asked about the tragedy, JLo laughed it off and told Ryan Seacrest:

"Did I trip a little bit? I don't even remember. Yeah, I meant to do that. You should know me better than that. That was part of the choreography."
I love huh! The 2002 Jenny from the block woulda cut a chick and meanmugged the stage for making her fall.  But not this older, wiser Jenny who dances in boxing shoes!

Now, Adam Lambert fell during his performance too, but all we remember was seeing him getting some pseudo-Becky anyway... unless of course you live on the west side, cuz that mofo got edited too!


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Brew Music: Heyyyy Angie Stone!

Angie's new project, "Unexpected," dropped yesterday.  Click here to take a listen.

And, take dat, D'Angelo!

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Brew Holiday Shopping List: The Crazy Cat Lady

Women of a certain age who share their home with felines get a an unfair rap. What's the big deal? They get all the affection of a pet and none of the 5am dog walking in the rain.

Seems they've got it right to me.

Then someone goes and creates the Kitty Wig, rendering all that sensibile talk to shit.

Get the batshit crazy Cat Lady friend on your list, the Kitty Wig and earn her undying love and Kitty's forever hate. (You'll never be asked to catsit. Everyone wins!)

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Dear Am-bah Rose.....

Will you marry me??? I know I have a vagi-cat just like you but I hear you're into that kinda thing...... so let me know boo....... let me know.......

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Speaking of Fitness..... What The Fork Timbaland!!!???

 How in the fork did you get here??? I thought you were in body rehab, and who knew you had a Costco sized pack of Hebrew National franks on the back of yo head???

and come on son!! the le-vah pants???? not a good look on a plus size, full figured curvy man...... 

You were here just a short while ago, all crisco'd up with your essential oils and what not, even had my lady parts in a bit of a frenzy for a minute there........

I know ribs is good, lawd knows I knowed dey good, but stop this at once!

And please explain to me why you're stuffed in this Ann Taylor sensible sweater???? I'm so confused Timbo! what is goin on???

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Are You Fat??? Why Don't We Let Him Decide.....

This mofo right here is not playing games with you fat bishes! You won't get any "chubby girl soft tone you're beautiful on the inside" jibba jabba from this one right here. He's givin it to ya raw dawg style!

He says" I mean look, I'm a black man, so how I'm gon' get mad at you calling me one, if you a fat bitch you a fat bitch, can't get mad at the truth"........ DIZZAM!!!!

I'm sayin, some people need that kinda motivation to help them push away from the table from time to time....... see him in action in the video and scuse me while I go warm up my Chik-Fil-A chicken biscuit ( I bet he would punch me dead in my face!)........ mmmm mmmm mmmm!

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Monday, November 23, 2009

Real Talk Mondays: LAMBO TIME

ABC says more than 1500 viewers called to rip them a new one over Adam Lambert's assaulting performance, last night. Clearly going for the controversy, Lambo got what he wanted. Couldn't he have done it in a less contrived, and rapey manner. Man that was the most rapey thing I've seen on TV in years. Between the high pitched wails and the crotch grabbing/shoving and full on face chewing. I felt like calling a hotline...777-TIPS or somethin'. I want to know how it is possible to be completely unsexy and uber sexual all the same time? To push the 'envelope', yet do anything with innovation.

Blah, it was boring to me when Madonna, Britney and The One Who Can Actually Sing, did it. It's just as desperate and boring 9080808 years later. Here's a tip. Singers? How bout you just sing ya gotdamn song? These grasps at relevance are tiring and contrived.

And before the homosensuals get all up in arms-- Love is love in my book I could have cared less if you had a wedding ceremony with your boo up there. But if you are gonna show up to sing. SING, MOTHERFOCKER, SING!!

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Brew Tube: Paula Deen Motorboats A Ham

Paula Deen loves all things fat: lard, butter, bacon, hams, jellies and jams...

But I'm pretty sure she'd rather cook them than play defense with her face. Paula got hit by flying swine while helping give out food during a charity event in Georgia.

Don't worry. She's okay.

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Brew Funny: Tiny & Toya (Spoof)

I simply can't watch their BET show. I just don't have enough brain cells left after the 80s to devote to it, but this spoof seems pretty dead on from the 15 minutes I devoted to watching the first episode.

Here's Tiny and Toya, "Tryin' ta Tawk"...

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Brew Music: Kelis - "Acapella"

Months after birthing her first baby, Kelis is back with a new jam.  I mean, somebody has to buy the diapers, right?

“Acapella” has an old-school house, "Dance Party USA" beat ... the kinda thing you bump at the gym or when you're doing your face before a night on the town to do hoodrat things.

I love it.  But what do you think?

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Brew Poll: Sex or Facebook? You Decide!

Let's face it, we're all working harder to put food on the table and keep our heads above water. Sometimes, that means you wind up sacrificing the things you'd rather be doing to stay in front of the pack. So, we Witches wanna know... if you had to go 30 days without something, would you rather go 30 dry days without sex or 30 social media-free days with no iPhone, no Blackberry, no Twitter, no emails and no Facebook?

And would you take up another habit to replace the one you gave up? Take the poll then drop a line in the comment box!

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